I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
