just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
