Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
