I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
