When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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