So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
