I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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