He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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