i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just cropdusted the office
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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