Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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