wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
