Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
