My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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