I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
