We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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