new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
