I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
