Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize