The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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