In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
