Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
