So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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