Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
