I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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