I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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