dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
