She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
