So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
