Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
