it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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