dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
