hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize