Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
