All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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