Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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