apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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