he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize