my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
