soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
