my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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