I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i love accidental penises.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
