: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
