worst night to have a conscience
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
