I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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