you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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