Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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