mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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