Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
