So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All the doctor said was why
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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