I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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