So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
