I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
