We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
