margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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