even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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