Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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