you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize