About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So squirting runs in the family.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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