bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
