How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
