I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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