i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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