Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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