I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
