Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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